An Unexpected Answer
On Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I went and got my mail out of the box and surprisingly, there was a card addressed to me from my father. I thought at first that this was a birthday card for Emma and he was just addressing it to me because she is just two. I opened the card and was surprised that it was definitely for me.
I will share my father's card with you, but just know, that I have really analyzed it, so I will tell you everything that I am thinking about it. First off, on the front of the card, it has a cartoon cat that is blowing up a yellow balloon that has a smiley face on it. On the inside, the print reads, "Thought you could use a smile!" I thought this card was odd. I am obviously not happy and I felt this card was inappropriate and he either grabbed one that they had stashed away or he just ran to the store or picked whichever one up while he was out.
Now he wrote on the left hand side, "Hope ya'll had a happy Thanksgiving! I love you!" I opted not to go to my father's house for Thanksgiving this year, for obvious reasons. I didn't know if he had gotten the letter yet and I certainly didn't want to get there and have the letter come while I was there, that would just be awkward. Also, I thought I would use reverse psychology and when he asked why we weren't coming, I told him it was too far for us to drive, 20 something miles, as is always his excuse for not coming to his grandchildren's parties.
On the right hand side of the card he wrote, "I'm sorry if I didn't live up to some ofyour expectations, but I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and could not be prouder of you and all your family. There is no difference in any of my children, only a difference in time in my life and yours. I love you as much as any. You're a great parent and I'm very proud of you. Always love you, Dad." Then he put a little smiley face by his name.
Now, let me tell you what I am thinking when I first open the card. First I wonder if my stepmother intercepted my letter and she sent me this card and wrote the message. Then I wonder if my sisters intercepted the letter with my stepmother and they all came up with the message together. Then I put that out of my mind and I start to analyze each individual line, but the line that bothers me the most is "There is no difference in any of my children only a difference in time in my life and yours." This bothers me because it is not true, plus, time is now. Who says he can't be a dad now? Plus, my brother is older than I and he was not treated as differently, so the statement is just plain untrue. That is the sentence that bothers me the most and which has me frozen as in what to do next. The rest is okay really, he apologized, I give him a lot of credit for that. He told me he loves me, He told me he is proud of me. Though, I think the little smiley face was inappropriate because this is not the time nor the place. This is not a joke. I am not a happy girl. So, now the ball is in my court and I don't know what to do. I still have not done anything.
I now have figured out that my sister does not know about the letter, neither one of them do. I have said certain things and have talked to her several times and I know for certain she has no idea.
Then she tells me she is getting married and they are planning her wedding. A twist of the knife in the gut. Not because I am not happy for her, but because they are doing that for her with no question, it just is.
So, I am interested in your thoughts on what you think about the card against my five page letter and what you think my next move should be.
Malia
I will share my father's card with you, but just know, that I have really analyzed it, so I will tell you everything that I am thinking about it. First off, on the front of the card, it has a cartoon cat that is blowing up a yellow balloon that has a smiley face on it. On the inside, the print reads, "Thought you could use a smile!" I thought this card was odd. I am obviously not happy and I felt this card was inappropriate and he either grabbed one that they had stashed away or he just ran to the store or picked whichever one up while he was out.
Now he wrote on the left hand side, "Hope ya'll had a happy Thanksgiving! I love you!" I opted not to go to my father's house for Thanksgiving this year, for obvious reasons. I didn't know if he had gotten the letter yet and I certainly didn't want to get there and have the letter come while I was there, that would just be awkward. Also, I thought I would use reverse psychology and when he asked why we weren't coming, I told him it was too far for us to drive, 20 something miles, as is always his excuse for not coming to his grandchildren's parties.
On the right hand side of the card he wrote, "I'm sorry if I didn't live up to some ofyour expectations, but I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and could not be prouder of you and all your family. There is no difference in any of my children, only a difference in time in my life and yours. I love you as much as any. You're a great parent and I'm very proud of you. Always love you, Dad." Then he put a little smiley face by his name.
Now, let me tell you what I am thinking when I first open the card. First I wonder if my stepmother intercepted my letter and she sent me this card and wrote the message. Then I wonder if my sisters intercepted the letter with my stepmother and they all came up with the message together. Then I put that out of my mind and I start to analyze each individual line, but the line that bothers me the most is "There is no difference in any of my children only a difference in time in my life and yours." This bothers me because it is not true, plus, time is now. Who says he can't be a dad now? Plus, my brother is older than I and he was not treated as differently, so the statement is just plain untrue. That is the sentence that bothers me the most and which has me frozen as in what to do next. The rest is okay really, he apologized, I give him a lot of credit for that. He told me he loves me, He told me he is proud of me. Though, I think the little smiley face was inappropriate because this is not the time nor the place. This is not a joke. I am not a happy girl. So, now the ball is in my court and I don't know what to do. I still have not done anything.
I now have figured out that my sister does not know about the letter, neither one of them do. I have said certain things and have talked to her several times and I know for certain she has no idea.
Then she tells me she is getting married and they are planning her wedding. A twist of the knife in the gut. Not because I am not happy for her, but because they are doing that for her with no question, it just is.
So, I am interested in your thoughts on what you think about the card against my five page letter and what you think my next move should be.
Malia
posted by Malia at 1:46 PM
4 Comments:
You know my opinion on this, but just list for the fellow bloggers ... I would 1) either let it lie and address it when you are in a conversation with him or 2) send another saying "what the fu#$ was that card about?!? Still unsure about the smily faces ... seems strange and not appropriate.
You could dismiss the card's tone as a bad mix of typical guy cluelessness combined with typical womanly reading way too much into things, but actions speak louder than words. His treatment of you can't be undone by a simple apology, and the odds are that he's not going to change. People seem to think that your relatives have an automatic pass and don't have to treat you well to be included in family activities. I think he sounds like a negative influence and should be left out of your life's plans.
It's frustrating to me to hear about such scenarios as yours, Mal. Some of us lost our fathers at very young ages, so they're not around by default, so when I hear about fathers that *can* be with their families yet choose not to, my "pissed off" nerve gets triggered a tad.
Listen to your heart, Malia. It will guide you where you need to go with this. Father or no father.
I sincerely wish you the best.
Malia, my love. Its your mimi.
I'm in a new world here of Blog and I really should take more time to read thru your dad's card to you again before I comment and I'm hungry so I'm running a bit on drag...
Looking back to the time in my life when Rac was small and Becca was only a thought I received a few cards fr my dad also. And like you, I read and read and reread them. I d/n read them too much any more becz they are way too painful for me.
I can confirm for you there are various maturity levels in EVERYONE'S life.
My own dad seemed to know so much about parenting when R and B were small and was absent for much of my own childhood and unactive in the space he was available for. He always seem to know so much and do so little. And when he died my dear, I realized VERY quickly how much he knew and how little I was prepared for as an adult w/o him. I was lost for a long time at 36.
Weeks have passed since you received that card and I'm sorry I didn't find your spot until now.
And I don't want you to be more sorry in not having found a space for you and your dad in the weeks and years ahead.
Can you get bigger, smarter, and more giving as an adult daughter before that time comes, before tomorrow arrives?
Let it go.
There will be no winner if you don't set it in place NOW to be you.
Keep that card handy. Put it with your calendar, books you read at night. When you see your dad again, find a space, a place for you and him and show it to him. Ask him could the TWO of you talk about it. Talk about what you ask?
And he will too.
"Dad, why the crap did you draw the smiley in the balloon?" And YOU lead the chuckle, the grin, the giggle. ALLOW him to respond.
It might be a "What the Hell do you mean?!"
Be the adult, claim YOUR SPACE OF MATURITY. Be calm. Look him in the eye.
"Dad,...what are you tryin' to say here? " LEAD HIM to say he was sorry he wasn't going to see you on Thanksgiving. ALLOW him to see he can TALK to you, express to you his feelings becz you and I can see...that card only lead to more smoke cover for something.
Its time Malia. LEAD. You may want to scream and shout, but that hasn't worked too good thus far, has it?
xoR
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